Life has certainly been turned upside down. For the longest time I pictured being the organized mom, the mom that got all the sleep, the mom who flipped pancakes with one hand while I held a slumbering babe in the other. I pictured him breastfeeding, looking lovingly up into my eyes as I flipped the pages of the morning newspaper, and I imagined cloth diapers from the start to save the world!
No one can prepare you for reality. When Junior was born, he had to be on an IV for a few days at the hospital, and they needed him eating right away so he has taken to drinking formula from a bottle, and with each passing day he rejects my breast even more. I am now a slave to a breast pump, where I am hardly getting more than a few drops to add to his formula. When I put Junior to breast he cries, pushes away and scratches, the whole time looking around for the bottle that he knows will come. Many a tear has been shed, not only for my shattered dreams of breastfeeding perfection but also for the fact that I feel my baby rejecting the most natural thing I can give him. I’ve been pumping as much as possible to get my supply up, but on a 2 hour pump schedule, and Junior being on a 3 hour feeding schedule, I feel I hardly have time to pee, let alone sterilize bottles, mix formula, change my stale-milk smelly clothes or shower. Notice I didn’t even mention trying to get any semblance of sleep. Hubby has reassured me that if breastfeeding isn’t going to happen, that he will support me, but I am indeed devastated.
Sleep as never been my strong suit. I’m a light sleeper by nature, and so I thought, what could possibly be so hard? Well, with a Junior’s schedule of being fussy and awake at night, and every coo, fart or whimper I am awake. “Nap when they nap” is for sure the key, but I have yet to learn how to do that, as when I do catch a whiff of freedom while Junior sleeps, there is laundry to do, food to prep and dogs to care for, and by the time I sit down, Junior is cooing softly for attention.
Cloth diapers haven’t yet made it out of the box and we’re going through disposables like crazy. I find the cloth diapers are huge and bulky on him, and I think I will give it a few weeks before saddling Junior with a giant bum blanket.
All the Grandmas have been out to help in one way or another. Food prep, watching Junior while I catch a nap, or putting together my clothes line has all been grand feats that would not have been accomplished without them. Hubby and I are slowly getting into a schedule, but it’s been hard, and we have begrudgingly accepted all the help we can get.
But it all comes down to the sweet baby boy who is now sleeping in Hubby’s arms (hubby is also asleep), who we would not trade for the world. His quivering chin when he cries, the soft cooing of happiness, the funny faces he makes, and the loud rolling belches he gives us during burping, are all things we will treasure forever. Sleep can come another day. Laundry can wait. But our baby boy will be cherished and loved no matter what.