Twas the night before xmas and all through the house
All the creatures were stirring, even that f#&king mouse.
The stockings were hung, half chewed by the dog
We’d just come from the store with more egg nog.
Junior was restless, and not at all in his bed
With loud exclamations he screamed off his head.
And wife in her pjs and I in the nude
Had just settled down in front of the tube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the couch to see whats the matter.
Away up the stairs, out of the mancave
Tore open the door, gave the neighbours a wave
The coyotes were near their tracks on the snow
The moon was up high and the lawn was aglow
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
But the farmer, his tractor and eight giant steer
With him bundled in plaid, and bovine that kick
I knew it at once, it wasn’t saint nick.
More rapid than turtles his courses they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
Now! Bessie, now! Daisy now! Now Patty and Clarabell
On! Rosie, on! Doris on! Maggie and Caramel.
To the end of the road! And under pine boughs,
Now dash away! Dash Away! Dash away cows!
The cold nipped my face, and my breath on the night
I returned to the warmth and the twinkling lights
The house was adorned with one tree or two
And presents galore were wrapped in each hue.
Finally my wife and my baby did sleep,
They rested together and counted their sheep.
As I took a long sip of my pepsi and rye
Suddenly there in the room was a guy.
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot
A bundle of toys was flung on his back,
The dogs awoke and poised for attack
Juno jumped for a kiss, and Fid sneezed up some snot
And the merry old man, did care for it not.
He swung out his bag and sent the dogs rolling
They tumbled in presents as if they were bowling.
With a jolly deep laugh his big belly did jiggle
his nose, half hidden in beard, gave a wiggle
The dogs sculked away and the family still slept.
And I stood frozen, staring, completely inept.
He then spoke not a word, but went straight to work.
And fill’d all the stockings then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
I ran to the window and looked to the night.
No sleigh, or reindeer, no magic to sight
But away went a tractor, the cows pulled away.
The old guy waved back, and had a message to say
I could just make it out, as he chugged out of sight.
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.