A Country Christmas Message


Twas the night before xmas and all through the house

All the creatures were stirring, even that f#&king mouse.

The stockings were hung, half chewed by the dog

We’d just come from the store with more egg nog.

Junior was restless, and not at all in his bed

With loud exclamations he screamed off his head.

And wife in her pjs and I in the nude

Had just settled down in front of the tube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

I sprang from the couch to see whats the matter.

Away up the stairs, out of the mancave

Tore open the door, gave the neighbours a wave

The coyotes were near their tracks on the snow

The moon was up high and the lawn was aglow

When what to my wandering eyes should appear

But the farmer, his tractor and eight giant steer

With him bundled in plaid, and bovine that kick

I knew it at once, it wasn’t saint nick.

More rapid than turtles his courses they came,

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

Now! Bessie, now! Daisy now! Now Patty and Clarabell

On! Rosie, on! Doris on! Maggie and Caramel.

To the end of the road! And under pine boughs,

Now dash away! Dash Away! Dash away cows!

The cold nipped my face, and my breath on the night

I returned to the warmth and the twinkling lights

The house was adorned with one tree or two

And presents galore were wrapped in each hue.

Finally my wife and my baby did sleep,

They rested together and counted their sheep.

As I took a long sip of my pepsi and rye

Suddenly there in the room was a guy.

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot

A bundle of toys was flung on his back,

The dogs awoke and poised for attack

Juno jumped for a kiss, and Fid sneezed up some snot

And the merry old man, did care for it not.

He swung out his bag and sent the dogs rolling

They tumbled in presents as if they were bowling.

With a jolly deep laugh his big belly did jiggle

his nose, half hidden in beard, gave a wiggle

The dogs sculked away and the family still slept.

And I stood frozen, staring, completely inept.

He then spoke not a word, but went straight to work.

And fill’d all the stockings then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

I ran to the window and looked to the night.

No sleigh, or reindeer, no magic to sight

But away went a tractor, the cows pulled away.

The old guy waved back, and had a message to say

I could just make it out, as he chugged out of sight.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.


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